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what hurts the most

WHAT HURTS THE MOST

i love that song... these past few days i have been playing a number of overly depressing songs just to put me in a contemplating mood. i guess we do make ourselves crazy sometimes...
that's what i love to do. sometimes i catch myself repeating scenes in my mind and imagining it hapenning all over again... that makes me cry!

and now that i think of it, what the hell was I thinking???

thats the stoic in me i guess, like as if the pain im feeling right now isn't enough i make it even worse. nevertheless, days go by quickly now... the thought of him gone has sunk in more deeply now and im getting more used to it...

do i hate him?

if u asked me a week ago i would have said ofcourse not... that he's been a big part of my life andregardless of what happened i will love him... but today i hate him with a passion...

finally!!!! oh yes, i have finally felt the anger ive long been waiting for. people used to tell me to get out and save myself... to realize how much damage he's done, but i stood by him, as he repeatedly stabbed me and caused me much pain...

things have changed though...

this is my reality now...

i have awaken from that long nightmare...

and so it came

AND SO IT CAME...

the day i dreaded, has come...
the sound has clamoured in my soul...
she is now equipped with the most powerful weapon ever to be put against me...
i know she will be victorious,
what do i have compared to her?

what do i have that she dont already have?

i dont even have my own pride anymore...
i have become a minute particle let alone to float
that's what i am...

on letting go

ON LETTING GO

i never thought i'd be here again...
i never thought i'd be walking these very same steps...
but i am...
slowly i am...
cus i know...
eventually, i will be here...

this is how it'll eventually end...

with me alone...
all alone...

confusion

CONFUSION

i have always wanted to go to this place...

but when i saw it, i almost didn't wanna take another step into it...

i guess there are places that look better in brochures...

that place was one of those.

the pictures were beautiful...

i knew someone who's been there, she said it was great

but how come i didn't like it?

bon's been there before

i almost had to drag him out...

almost wanted to cripple him

so he couldn't come back for more

but now that he's back,

why do i want to go there?

am i tired?

am i just curious?

am i wanting more?

but if i do...

how come i push him back?

i dunno...

i guess some things are much better in dreams...

this sure was

no words...

NO WORDS

it does happen... not the moment of "lost words" per se, but rather a certain time of just having nothing to say... that's what i've been through these days... exhausted with work and preoccupied by rest and recreation, I have left my real passion behind... WRITING.

my life has not changed much since then...
my life still rattles the 4 corners of the world...
especially my mom who right now is even more convinced I have nothing in my mind but MEN (Bon in particular) and leaving the house (which means getting married)...

Both totally untrue...

I was telling doc Karen just earlier, I find it insulting to be accused to want to marry right now. Well of course I do wanna get married, but not real soon. I have picked the colours I'd love for bridesmaids' dresses, even picked my marching song... i've fantasized about it to the very detail but it dont mean I would be jumping to it real soon...

It is an insult for me to be told that cus it means I lack concern for my career and my own life that is my real priority... I believe I'm at the point of my life where I have to make something out of myself first before I start making stronger bonds with people, let alone, making a smaller version of me...

When that time comes, and I knwo it will, I want to be ready... and excited...
not scared...

So i just wish people would back off...
this is after all, my life right?

so long...

SO LONG...

time doesn't seem to come as easy now.
today i woke up and decided to close my eyes again and go back to sleeping.
i have lost my weekends... my afternoons... my own time...
since i started working at LAPID.
i dont hate my job...
i do like it there...
despite the pay...
despite the people in it...

i, however, miss my life.
simple things such as this...
i feel as if that i inhabit in a world where colors zoom in flashes of lightning...
if you go slow, you'd get zapped by the speed...

i dunno how long of this i can endure still...
i dunno...

ps. remind me to tell you about the most depraving moment of my career...

NUN QUAM ITERUM "Never Again"

NUN QUAM ITERUM

"Never Again"

as i slowly play the scenes in my mind i cant help realize how yesterday seemed unreal...

before we all slept the night of february 23rd, my dad received a call from Lt Gen. Senga and he immediately fled to Villiamor... that meant nothing to me until hours later at 3am february 24th my phone started ringing violebntly and although still spaced out and out of it, i took every word from my dad and sensed the urgency in his voice...

we were to pack our things and evacuate to Alabang. Sarge Nebol was to arrive in a few minutes and I was tasked to relay this message to my still slumbering family...

Minutes later, all our bags were hurriedly stacked inside the STAREX and as the VIOS doors closed and Sarge Basa stepped on the accelerator, I realized that this peaceful early morning would be broken soon... that unlike years ago during the 1989 coup de etat, we were being prepared for battle, we were being given a head start.

We never turned the television OFF yesterday. And I anticipated every call from my dad. We waited patiently, frightened but with much hopes that this battle would never take place... and it never did...

Today we went back to Camp Aguinaldo... and as we listened to my dad's story I realized how great a man he really is and how strong his love is for his country. This makes me really proud and placated... for I know, people like my dad will never let harm come our way...

Never!

scarred

SCARRED

its funny how scarred and scared almost is one same word cus sometimes the reason why one gets scared for life is because he has been scarred intensely at one point...

i have been scarred... many times my body is full of marks around me. Sometimes I try different methods of concealing them but it gets really tough at times that no matter how well i try to hide behind shadows and masks, people get a peak of what's really inside...

this is my life...
since the beginning of my existence keeping at it had been a struggle...
to survive i had to fight for my life...
to be happy i had to sacrifice much...
to love, i had to take it all...
all the pain...
everything!

just to make it here...
just be alive...

INSIGNIFICANT

INSIGNIFICANT

I have never felt so alone ever as I am right now...

Today I officially became a dentist.
I have waited for this forever... I have dreamt to see this for so long...
I thought it would be amazing
But it wasn't at all.

No one came with me...
No one even wanted to come...
Have I been so horrible to have no one happy for me at all?
Do I really deserve this?

I tagged along with annalyn's parents the whole day
Took pictures with them...
Pretended to be okay
When asked: "why didn't anyone come?"
I just told them everyone was busy...

I am so tired of my life...
I am so tired of forever tagging along...
I feel like a tag along in my own family...
Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born

It probably would be easier for everyone.
Especially mom.

I imagined this day for as long as I can remember
But I have never felt so alone ever as I am right now...

ALL GROWED UP

ALL GROWED UP

Not an error, if you please, im quoting my once favorite cartoon show, THE RUGRATS cus for almost two weeks now I have been forced to grow up...

The stint began as a suggestion that sounded really well and so I bought 3 pairs of SCRUBS at bangbang and went in the 1301st Dental Core expecting nothing and coming out, signed up for a 3-month externiship...

Most of my friends have began parading in their suits, waving around their resumes to be able to start earning, I come in everyday, wake up at 6:30 am and endure the rush hour traffic through EDSA to get to work on time...

Unpaid, Underestimated, Alone... yet eventhough I am put in the most difficult of situations, i come home through the creeping roads back home fulfilled to be living the dream I have always pictured myself in. Last week I was merely jotting down names in record books and I felt like a true professional.

This is the life I have wished for so long... I pray nothing goes wrong...

HOW TO PLAN MY FUTURE

HOW TO PLAN MY FUTURE

when i was in predent... i wished so much to be in dentistry cus i hated my uniform intensely. when was a dentistry proper i longed so much to be a clinician to be able to wear the pants... when i stepped in clinic i wanted for everything to be over...

that was how i was... and when i was preparing for the board exams i wanted to start all over again so that i could retrace my steps and go back to where things went out of control...

but that cant happen... this is not the movies, that what bon tells me everytimes when we're fighting about how dense he sometimes is... he tells me crix this is the real world, your fairy tale fatasies dont come true here...

and thats true...

so i guess i really cant turn back time and yes i am now A DENTIST!

whats difficult with all this really is that, 6 years ago i have wished to be here but now that im here i have no idea what i have to do next... i have never been so scared ever in my life. more than when i first tried to extract a tooth... more than when i first attempted to do a root canal... more than when i even took the board exams...

i am too frightened.
i never imagined this at all...
and there are tons of DVDs i still have to watch
and more CDs i need to burn...

should i just sit on the couch and wait for the sky to fall on me?
should i retreat into my room until world war 3 starts?
i dunno...
im so used at taking orders from people and now that there are no rules, orders and tasks to follow... im so lost.

maybe ill just sleep again
i have heard of people who encounter epiphanies in their slumbers, maybe ill have one of those and find true meaning in my life...

oh well...
i guess things will be better soon...
i hope.

OUR STORM

OUR STORM

i thought when i got the news id be the happiest person in the world...

i guess i counted my chickens too early, most of them got crushed...

now half of my dreams remain as fragments untraceble in thin air

i imagined it many times in my mind, played it over and over in my head...

but last week, when manila bulletin posted the list of new dentists and I did not find bon's name, tears came out of control and loneliness wrapped my body in whole.

i spent the next 24 hours after that soaked in my salty tears... my sobbing faint in exhaustion... my eyes that used to be an entire cavity that held my eyeballs in place, merely a slit. it felt like the skies have collided against me and i asked God over and over "why?"

who would've have thought the roads of nagtahan would be peaceful enough to communicate truths to me? i was driving home after being with Bon that day when i realized suddenly how great the Lord truly is...

For the 2 years that I have been with Bon I have asked constantly for God to teach Bon to be meek and all those times I have tried to bring him down from where he stood mightily, but failed a dozen of times. I longed to touch his heart, I longed to tame the man...

Manila Bulletin silenced him... God touched his heart in a way i did not ever imagine...

When you look at things sometimes its difficult to understand how the Lord chooses to make our wishes come true... we focus on the physical. the number of hankies soaked in tears, the pain, the loneliness... we often forget that we merely are actors playing the script God has written thousands of years before us... that we are in no power to alter history and change the course of life.

Everything happened for a reason. However painful, this was part of his plan... and perhaps soon, there will be a rainbow...

and the storm will stop.

in trepidation

IN TREPIDATION

right now i dunno what's more scary... to fail in matters of the heart or to fail in matters that should govern my life... should these two entities be separated though? i mean, i know love is such a trivial matter but then is it not of equal footing with my chosen career? in fact i live solely to love and chosing a career is but an additive... God created me first to "go and multiply" didn't He? It wasn't really a requisite to work and slave... I am Eve... I should merely bear child birth, ADAM should do hardwork.

Anyway, life nowadays dont really care much about that... "masyado daw mahal bilihin"... hahahaha!

right now i am 2weeks into the final (well right now it seems as if its is the final stage) evaluation of my existence for the past 4 years in CEU College of Dentistry... my long feared day is but 2 weeks from me... and amongst all the panic and piles of books... instead of occupying myself merely with words and terms that i have to remember and engulf completely, i am also inundated by matters that have come just out of proportion... "wrong timing kung baga".

i had set up for myself a time table to be able to accomplish everything... and all my attempts were in vain for along with it i had to insert momentous crying... analyzing details... putting fragments of details into a whole picture.

i didn't need this. not now. i didn't need all these...

nevertheless, God has been with me... and through it all He has kept me strong... and now barely ready I call on to PRC, ANGEL, LEE, CEU and whoever looks at me condescendingly and say: "bring it on bitch!"

Cus if there's one thing I've learned for the past weeks, it is that: "God is with me and for me right now"

Let His WILL be done!

breathe... then let go

BREATHE... THEN LET GO

this is it... the time i have waited for for more than a decade since i first dreamt of becoming a dentist. i am just a couple of steps from taking this nightmare into my system. minus the last four days which i have spent splurging my fathers' funds in singapore i have set myself a task to revise all 25 subjects that i took for the past 4 years and hopefully it is enough to make many people smile...

old teachers who have imparted their knowledge on me... friends who have been waiting for free dental service... my sisters who cant wait for me to stop whining... and my parents to whom i dedicate all these...

long ago i dreamt of making it and making it big... but then you come to the final steps and realize that just being given the license to cure would be enough. i dont need recognition and all the glitter that comes with it... i just want to take the dental boards this december, along with a number of my friends who have become dear to me all these years and i want all of us to make it... for all our dreams to come true...

for nothing, not our sweat, not our tears are worth anything... unless we pass...
oh skies....

exhausted

EXHAUSTED

barely 2 weeks before the curtain closes and still i am uncertain about many things...
am i going to graduate?
will i pass all my revalidas?
will i set my complete dentures perfectly next week?

i count the days til the big farewell and realize that i am not ready at all.

am i reall ready to take the board exams this december?
whenever i tell people about it they just laugh at me and say: sus kaya mo iyan... unmindful of the genuine fright in my bones. i am scared. scared to fail. scared to disappoint people. scared of not making it an losing myself in the process...

will i go insane if i dont make it?
i have heard of tales that went that way and i think of it and it scares the shit out of me...
like a ticking bomb, that u wish to detonate but dont know how to...
what to do?
what to do?

i wish answers come crashing on me as strongly as all these negative thoughts do.

harry potter

HARRY POTTER


i was probably coerced into reading harry potter... it was years back and I coudn't remember exactly but although i enjoyed the movie, i found it useless to read the book my sister loved with much passion. it was summer, on to my usual reading fest and my sister gave me the book to read...

since then i have been one with the many harry potter followers eagerly awaiting for his whole story to come to life.

j.k. rowling is more than a writer... she created an entire world that no one has ever dreamt of before., that now many are aching to see. in between enchantments and wands... flying cars and gnomes... every flavored bean... and chocolate frog... i flipped through the pages wishing the words would come to life.

she has touched us in a way no one ever could. as children we have always fancied magic. dreamt of flying. played with wands.... harry, hermione, ron and all the others made our dreams come true...

am i sad that dumbledore has died? yes. am i mad that snape is the half blood prince? no... am i eager to read the final book? hell yeah! i have never ached for anything as i am aching for rowling to deliver her book as instantly as she could.

pwede bang now na please???? look harry and them are aging!

REVALIDA and those who LIVE FOR IT!

REVALIDA and those who LIVE FOR IT!

i am scared... people who know me, know very well that unlike others whose greatest fear is to DIE, mine is to FAIL THE BOARD EXAMS. Some have just started fearing it this year, some probably are not thinking of it yet... I have thought of it ever since I started PREDENT.

Loser na kung loser... thi is my life. I have no other purpose in this world but to be a dentist and if I fail then my entire existence in theis EARTH is null and void...

But even in the midst of my panic and frightfulness, I am no match to those who would do all just to make it. Nakakabanas! When I was first approached by Sherry I thought it was a merger of minds... but no so now i dont care... if they want to top the boards, I dont really care!

I have survived years in this school without stepping on anyone... this wont be a start! i just really hate it when people are so desperate!

SOMETIMES THERE IS A REASON TO SMILE

SOMETIMES THERE IS A REASON TO SMILE

Exactly a week ago I was aching to revert my status to SINGLE... I knew I had to, but I stopped myself... hoping that it was all just a bad dream...

Its over now... after a week I look at it and although I try to pretend that it was all just a nightmare I know it wasn’t and it will never be... for the first time, in more than a year, Bon and I went separate ways...

I was frightened... I pretended to be strong, I stood high but I was frightened. I wore a constant smile... put on my best dress and walked through all the whispers and my minute-urge to burst into tears... I knew at one point I’d be there, feel those emotions but you never really know when it’ll happen. it just does.

There are a million things that I know I could’ve changed to have prevented things a to happen, but "everything does happen for a reason". And I write this now, without regret... my tears, my pain, all worth it...

I want to say this is it... I want to say this is would be the last time... I want to say, everything will be alright from now on but I know I cant say that... cus there will be another fight... I will cry more tears...

I just hope... that after the rain, there always is a rainbow

the hardest thing

THE HARDEST THING

to know what you have to do, but not know how to do it... is probably the hardest thing.
to know what is right but to strongly refuse to go through with it... cus in your heart a different thing clamours greatly...

i dont know what to do.
my mind tells me to leave him but my heart knows i love him still.

you see, i dont believe in fairy tales... i dont believe in fate... i dont believe in soul mates...
what i believe in is that man makes his own destiny... man maps out his own life...
and no matter how different or wrong you are for each other if you want to keep on going you can do it... nothing is perfect in this world... God didn't make us perfect, he made us imperfect so that someone else can make you whole...

right now i feel empty...
right now, im alone...

i came... i saw... i conquered!

I CAME... I SAW... I CONQUERED...

let me rephrase this to something that fits my story more perfectly. i was forced into it... i cried... i managed!!!

the feat of becoming the Dental Student Council President had been an experience not too amazing but fulfilling even in the most minuscule of aspects. in my younger years in dentistry i did dream to leave my mark. i did not know what kind of mark i wanted to leave... i wasn't even sure of how i was gonna do it... i just wished somehow that before i left CEU i would leave something behind...

not bad gossips... not chismis about me being left by wes... not some bad story about me being too snobbish and feeling brit... but i really thought that i was leaving CEU with such a fucked up rep.

the opportunity came to me a year ago... dr jim barely knew me to trust me... but he did.

i wouldn't claim success... i probably cried more tears than i showed off smiles but the the whole ordeal was something that i would never ever forget. it was a privilege to talk in front of friends... to share my heart to the people who used to be strange faces to me... bringing even a sign of a amile to their faces was a magnificent leap in my heart...

i couldn't ask for anything more... i left a mark... more than i could imagine.

i handed my office to sir today... with hopes that the next one that keeps it would do more of what i couldn't do...

thank you quin, chase, ley, edbert... o sya sya... thanks mark! it was a pleasure working with you guys!!!

worth it all

WORTH IT ALL

"you dont fail to impress me"
it would have been nice if i heard it when Dr. Aguilar reached for my hand and shook it. Somehow, all the sleepless nights, the trickles of sweat, the shouts of pain, and days of relaxation lost to their slavery become worth it all.


yesterday's freshmen orientation went very well than i dreamt it to be. i came into the auditorium thinking that the sky was going to fall on me, but instead the sun shone brightly and I enjoyed every single minute just standing by the tech room giving everyone a proud

"thumbs up".


even the boutiful feast of KFC was worth it...



haay, sana nga all hardship show its worth in time... haaaaaay....

school...

SCHOOL AGAIN

barely in school and already i feel very tired.

school started this tuesday and immediately im bombarded by many things... many tasks... let alone the regular load i have to endure as a graduating student. i'm so tired. i'm scared. i'm worried.

COMPLAINT-AFFIDAVIT

I, MARIA CRISTINA R. INSERTO, of legal age, Filipino, single, presently residing at Nr 6 Regis St., Officers Row, Camp General Emilio Aguinaldo, Quezon City, after having been duly sworn to in accordance with law, do hereby depose and state, to wit:

1. That on or about 1100H 11 June 2005, while I was attending to my garage sale within the vicinity of the Barangay Hall, CGEA, Quezon City, two (2) MPs alighted/accosted me with no apparent reason;

2. That the MPs failed to make inquiry as to the status of my holding of the said garage sale and merely assumed that my holding of a garage sale in the abovementioned place was illegal and without permit;

3. That said MPs insisted that I immediately board the MP sidecar to be brought to the MP Batallion, which really embarrassed and humiliated me;

4. That I almost boarded the MP sidecar, however, I hesitated to do so and I conferred with my companion Miss Elizabeth Marie L. Rivera (daughter of Ret Col Alfonso Rivera and former resident at Camacho Street) and decided to board my personal vehicle to proceed to the MP Batallion.

5. That at the MP Batallion I was initially interrogated by (2) PAF soldiers, whether I had a permit;

6. That the permit which I applied for at and obtained from the Barangay Chairman was not recognized by the said MPs;

7. That only then was I asked where I lived and who was I a dependent of, at which I replied that I was the daughter of MGen Pedro Ike Inserto PAF;

8. That when they found out that my father’s driver/security was about to make a call to my father at that particular moment, did they request him not to call my father anymore and to just “settle the matter and file my statement for their records.”;

9. That I was told to make a statement but was only asked for my name and nothing further to put on record;

10. That during the investigation, I explained to the MPs that I was given permission by the Barangay Captain to hold the garage sale in the abovementioned place;

11. That prior to the holding of the said garage sale I personally applied for the permit and completed all the requirements a week prior, as what I have done in December 2000;

12. That I was belatedly informed by the said MPs during the later portion of the investigation that what is required is not a barangay permit but a permit from the Camp Commander;

13. That it was only then that I became aware of such requirement since I first held a garage sale December 2000;

14. That have I known of the said requirement, I would have dutifully complied to the same as what I did in obtaining the barangay permit and that the garage sale items merely consisted of my personal clothing for disposal;

15. That upon conclusion of the investigation, my father’s driver/security requested for the names of the two PAF soldiers who investigated me. Then I heard one of the MP (PFC Alvin E Albao 800724 PA) arrogantly uttering the words: “Sige, isama mo pangalan ko diyan para makita ng general na yan ang pangalan ko, bigyan pa ako ng pera”;

16. That I am executing this instrument to attest to the truthfulness of the foregoing and to seek redress for the humiliation my companion and I received and the arrogant actuation displayed by the said MPs against me and for them to be sanctioned for said behavior. I applied for the permit from the barangay unaware that a new rule was observed in Camp. Had they been efficient in the dissemination of the rules, and if the Barangay Captain had told me, then I would have responsibly secured a permit from the HSC.



AFFIANT FURTHER SAYETH NAUGHT.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I hereby affix my signature this 15th day of June 2005, in Quezon City.



____________________________
MARIA CRISTINA R. INSERTO
Complainant/Affiant

on going out

ON GOING OUT


sometimes i wish i had all the answers in the world...
the main reason i refused to commit to a relationship was my fear of the inevitable despair... but i have plunged and however carefully i try to shield myself from it, tears come down...


what i liked most about being single was my indispensible time... my freedom... my right to liberation and the perpetual invitation to parties and fun... cus somehow, once your status switches from single to "in a relationship" the book closes... the spotlights focus somewhere else... and all the freedom's, gone...


i am not a slave... but that's how society is, and i probably am weak so i succomb to it. there is this call to domestication. when ur no longer available... its really harder to party. i know not all women are like me and that people will say, "kasalanan mo yan" but that's how i am... i lose the zest for fun and excitement... and get content with simply being at home... perhaps if i knew how to knit, i would be working the threads... haha! but since i dont i have converted into a bonafide couch potato and have burried myself in notes and books that needed to be read. that's how i am... that's what i become.


so although Bon knew me as the "gimmickera" i was before, it wasn't very long before my gimmick clothes came to no use... and gimmick nights became to movie date nights with him... it was the inevitable... i didn't complain much...


but then sometimes, like now... i feel the urge to go out... the poor soul trapped for months seem to want to burst from within me and though it is not a wild urge or exaggerated feasting, i do want to be part of the noisy scene outside too... want to dance til i drop... want to drink til im too drunk to remember a thing... there is perhaps a limit to domestication... ive reached my threshold... it can't go further than that...


"its not that idont want you to go out? but thats too much!"
what is too much though?
i hardly go out... all the time we were together i could count the few times i've been out... and now that i've been out every week he thinks he's losing me?


damn!

a lot like love

A LOT LIKE LOVE

i still believe in love.

many people dont these days.

saying that their fast paced life need not be acessorized further by the little trinkets that relationship brings to a person. eye bags from crying all night. absent-mindedness. paranoaia. emotion sometimes can be so overpowering that people become paralyzed.



i have been paralyzed by love many times. hindered to do things. but i too, have spent nights empty... nights of over-flowing booze... a litany of sins on my black book... being single was great. kissing a guy and not feeling guilty about it. creeping late into my bed and not feeling any tinge of remorse.



"why are you single?" ive been asked before and i remember lying everytime: "i just love being single. the freedom. just being able to do everything. and i haven't found the right guy yet"that was a lie. cus even in my wild nights... i really did not look merely for mister kissable lips... i wanted more than that. something a lot like love...



i know people still look for love... and until film makers dont stop making films that would make your heart tear... people will be looking and will be wanting love...

STOLEN

STOLEN

sometimes my heart pounds vigorously...

like drumrolls, courageous.

sometimes my skin feel cold as ice...

lifeless, entirely.

sometimes the world seem to spin

360 all over me

faces unknown...

spaces unseen...

grip my life...

take my dream.

this is mine.

all that i can do.

frustrating!!!

USELESS NOW

i have been led on big time!!!

i thought i could enrol, until pola picked up their thesis and was told that "no, you cant yet!!!" its so freaking annoying!!! I feel now that everyday i just write miserable things here... so ur probably gonna say... this is a very sad girl... anyway, i have a bigger frustration than that...

****

last night i was texting with jp (jp garcia---yes son of that garcia guy who alledgedly stole from the AFP) and he was telling me to get a hold of a copy of PHILIPPINE STAR cus there's this very "piss-taking" article on them that's based on tito efren's (efren abu=chief of staff) statement of AFP's willingness to turnover the GARCIA's...

i dont have a reaction to that... im friends with the Garcia's before this happened and that's not the reaosn i brought this up... So anyway, at that point JP asked me if i was still in touch with Dianne and i told him that we sort of drifted apart...

I've long wanted to talk about this but i've kept myself from making it an issue until recently when Dianne had a "birthday party" and did not invite me but had the audacity to seek my sisters help with her "red-wine-soaked-phone-cus-i-had-such-a-great-time-at-my-party"...

As I see it, she only needed me when she was totally out of it, but once she'd gotten a good grasp of her world she was more than willing to let go... Maybe I was too boring compared to her drug addict friends... i dunno... Its just amazing how I used to see her as my soul mate but now her spirit has left me forever...

Today she rang me and I think I was willing to give her another chance, but apparently she just took time out of her busy schedule to ask me what benefits she could get from working for PAL (since my mom used to be with PAL--hence our tickets) and after I told her goodluck with her application she tells me: "Oh okay, Goodluck also with your Dentistry SHIT"

Haahahahahaha!!! My what???

kampyuter

THEN CAME DARKNESS

at kampyuter (my mom's internet cafe') cus just moments from the cue of the meteor garden intro song, all lights went dead... black out!!! so were here now, cus its so boring at home... and its not really fun to just play with hugo and gudoy!!!

things i can never do

I'M PHAT

i realized life when u are almost a quarter of a century old becomes more than complicated... everything seems to be an elusive dream.

****

i cannot not, after maximum efforts, seem to lose weight anymore. i have tried bangkok pills, it turned me into skeletor and then poofed me into a plump tomato before i could even react. i tried this miracle drug that worked on sarah and len thats cheaper than bangkok pills, and that just gave me nightmares... and dont talk to me about carbo-diet cus ive tried that too, but can u eat "itlog na pula and daing" wihtout rice? there are things you just cant do without.

****

i remember how skinny i was when i was younger and then i look at my tummy and just wanna puke at my flabs!!!!

oh well, maybe ill find enough discipline to work on the abswing... its getting more cobwebs than swings from us lately...

i can't clean???

CLEANING???

so i can't do house work... should i be condemned for it?

there are many things im good at... many things im brilliant with... (writing, clinic, school work, editing films, organizing events... often times i can sing and dance t00-- which is a big bonus, i know) but cleaning the house is just something thats too painful for me to even fathom... and "making talop indian mangoes" as well as cooking ordindary food (cooking that does not involve pasta or chicken) are among the things that make my arector pili muscles sensitized to a maximum level and produce goosebumps all over my body...

first of all... i am not physically able!
just a few minutes of engaging myself in "dust-catching" activities my whole body starts to get really itchy, then rashes come out and then my eyes get watery and then of course i begin to rub it and so they get really irritated and totally unslightly! the extreme of this hapless cycle is the constriction of my bronchioles that lead to a mild asthmatic attack...

i know what ur saying... but no! that was not a ploy to make things seem grave... i do get sick when i hang around too long with dust particles!!!

second... i just cant be bothered enough! i believe there are more trivial matters that i need to attend to than to spend moments scrubbing surfaces and sweeping floors... when i start my life alone, it wont be totally alone... i am studying hard to be able to afford to pay someone to do all these things for me...

so people... i know i disappoint you greatly... but this is me...
so dont fucking piss me off just cus you can spend hours obsessing about your ability to make things spic and span...
frankly? it dont impress me much!

NOTE: villain is not my mom however, freakish she is sometimes about me being messy!

yes there's light at the end of the tunnel

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

i can enroll now...
actually, i was told to come back for it on wednesday... but i wanted to be my usual stubborn self and so i asked ycka to collect it for me, whilst i enjoy lunch with bon at robinson's place (i figured... i am a good leader as long as there's people to order around. i can do anything... i can finish a task, provided i have soldiers to carry my every command)

back to ycka, however, i asked her to collect thesis number 662 for me and around 2:25 i got a call from her... the thesis had been checked.... there seems to be no problem with it, and their approval letter shall follow this june... at that, Dr. Lim said we're cleared to enrol and so hell yeah we are set to enrol then!!!

im so happy... today is a happy day...

thesis

THESIS SHIT!

barely 3 weeks before school starts and i have not even enrolled yet. papa's check has been lying lifeless on my desk for a month now since i first attempted to enrol. initially, i was in shock alert when i was told that we were put on hold due to "council" insufficiencies so off i ran with dr. bean in an attempt to placate furious teachers' raging emotions.... hahahahaha! but anyway, we got that settled on the day and so i thought all was well until Bon told me that we were put on hold due to thesis.

i think my jaw dropped at that cus we have been to martinez a dozen times last semester and she has been consistently stubborn with reading it... it's like we slave around with it for a noght, we give it to her... she tells us to get back to her after a certain time and when we do she tells sus she hasn't even touched it yet... the heck was that?

now they're complaining about our inability to submit... when really we coud've been long finished if martinez only made more effort right?

at this moment our thesis is on its second editing in the english department... and i am praying, really praying to God that when i come back for it this week it has the approval for printing cus its May 23 and I have not enrolled yet...

why haven't i written?

I HATE HIM!

i haven't written for ages...you probably think that i've been kidnapped or some catastrophe has come my way... but no. although, i did get into some mess with JUN (i refuse to call him manong jun now). Bon must be right when he said that JUN's gay... cus i can't imagine a straight guy to give a damn so much...

there was this night last week when i wasn't really very sad but tears just kept flowing down my cheeks and of course it got me into thinking... (but let me remind you, i wasn't really lonely to begin with, i was actually fantasizing about other things---hahahaha, then my lacrimal ducts started oversecreting tears and so the sacs burst)

so back to my thinking... i realized my life has not changed much in years... minus the ocassional emergence i am, most of the time, deep down into the pits. my mom and i will forever fight about everything... JUN will eternally bring me doom... i will forever be a shadow and even if I graduate and decide to leave... their ghosts will haunt me...

at this point, i had stood up and i as dabbed the fresh hanky onto my face i realized, i could end all this... stop the tears.... stop the pain... end my grief... i could end my life...

it wasn't the first time... i think i've imagined suicide many times but always with a smile.

i can't kill myself you see... cus i know that if i did then id be in hell soon and that's even worse compared to seeing JUN BASA's face every morning... but then, what if suicide wasn't wrong? what if i could just take my life and end all this?

or disappear? or anything else equivalent to ceasing existence here... right now...

i know if there was another option... i would've taken it...

long time ago...

no subject

NATIONAL STATISTICS OFFICE

i feel like right now my own country is not allowing me to live... waahahahah! went to NSO yesterday to get an original copy of my birth certificate and after for waiting in line for an hour, i get into the counter and the lady hands me a copy of the requirements and tells me: "dapat meron ka nito bago hita bigyan ng certificate". and i was like... why??? this fuckin country has all its money making schemes i swear!!! and now i have to enroll tomorrow and will probably get rejected... and im hating it!!!

nevertheless... tomorrow will be a happy day cus ill see bon... i just miss him so much...

my lonesome self...

just got back from picking up potpot from ateneo... its so funny, pia and i were in the car and pot called to say: "ate pick me up sa CATHOUSE"... like am i an ATENEAN to know where that is? so funny!!! but anyway, after that I dragged them (pia, poy, hugo and gudoy) to school to meet up with ley and get the first half of my dental reviewers... (oh yeah, maj, annalyn and i have began hoarding copytrade for goods... we believe its not too bad to be ready... so there we've ordered copies of the dental decks and the national dental boards to be able to start reading and feel miserable about not being able to answer the questions...)

tomorrow i have to go back to school again to FINALLY conclude my perio case. the stress on "finally" is due to the fact that this is my second case after my failed one last year becuase lolo just didnt appear for the recall... what could've happened to lolo kaya? i still ask myself that... i mean, he was active and prompt with all our meetings... and just when everything was over... he disappears... poof!!! gone!!! so off i went to find another patient and vuala... tomorrow hopefully i get to finish this ish and get my final signature for the ENDO-PERIO SECTION!!!

i hope all goes well cus I really dont want to do things over again... i'm too tired to do it again... too tired... too tired... plus i have more important things to do at home like read stuff for the boards, play with the dogs and play with our rabbit bonnie...

Bonnie used to have a partner hence "bonnie" cus she was bonnie to a "CLYDE" that mysteriously passed away after his second night at our house... i dont really know what caused his death... all i know is that the day before, i wanted to play with both of them but i didnt get him cus he had gooey poo in is butt so i left him alone while i played with bonnie instead... the next morning we woke up with the news and ate lani has dumped him into the trash already so we couldn't even give him a proper ceremony of some sort to say goodbye and shit... that was really sad so now i'm giving Bonnie all the attention she needs... i even made her a shirt which i got from this old barbie doll (the barbie's bathing suit i made into a shirt... just try to imagine)

so there... and whilst busying myself with very TRIVIAL matters Bon is being preoccupied by his new dog KIMO... and I'm really very touched by this cus before Bon and I started going out he refused to play with Hugo and Gudoy cus accordning to him he's not a lover of pets cus animals dont deserve much attention cus theyre just animals... pretty cruel huh? But that stone-cold heart was easily softened by the two-some GOGO's (huGO and GOdoy) who were unrelenting and finally got their kuya bon to give them a pat... and it wasn't very long before BON started giving them T.L.C. and now... he has a dog of his own... nice diba? it think it's really sweet... and i wanna see KIMO now too... cus he's been getting all of Bon's love nowadays and I wanna strangle him... bwahahahaha!!!

So that's it for now...

i'm 24

TODAY... IM 24

yes im 24 today... sucks!!! my sisters started a club NY 24... and it means NOT YET 24!!! am i really that jurassic??? so funny though, i am 24 but i feel so young still... i guess its the fact that im still studying... school tends to give the feeling of youth... but it wont be too long before this all ends... soon i will have to think and feel like a real adult... damn thats quite tough!

a lot has changed about me though... i was telling my friends earlier... before i couldn't leave the gimmick place til everyone has left already... i feel like i need to finish it or ill miss something spectaular... and i drown myself in so much alcohol that walking to the car becomes a task and most of the time i dont remember how i dressed myself to bed...

i guess i am old now... things that used to be of dire importance to me dont really matter much to me now... i guess now im more scared of leaving school... cus what if i dont make it out there?

has anyone died of thinking too much? cus i feel that i've loaded my brain of much paranoid thinking that it's already suffocated...

nevertheless... my day was great!!! i got to spend it with my sisters, and my bonbon... pat and nina surprised me... i was greeted by people closest to my heart... and i got lots of gifts from bon!!! wahahahahahaha!!!

happy birthday crix!!!

not very vacation-like

VACATION

here it is... on my big break... and im not really resting... ive just begun studying... just recalling notes and organizeing them... i figured, it wont hurt to prepare so when the time comes i wont be sayin' shoulda woulda coulda...

i began iwht practice management which only took me half a day... which is good... now im on roentgenology (study of xrays) and its quite long... pero im still going... still on track... i hope i dont lose track this whole summer...

and by the way, it the 30th today... its my birthday tomorrow... :)

solid for real?

SOLID OR PEBBLES

last weekend i got to meet selena, liza and avie at pier one and after having a quick chat with them i found myself asking: "are we really the solid bunch?"

my solid `kada group seem rather convinced that we are the solid bunch... that we rank way above... but look at them... strongly bonded... tight relationship... we barely see each other... our so-called solid bunch... and we so proudly claim we're better off???

i dunno... it just suddenly occured to me...

bored now

BORED

i think im quite bored now with how my blog looks like... i think imma change it soon... its summer... new leaf... new life... new blag skin... plus imma be gettin' a tan soon... so thats new skin soon for me too... wahahaha! but then im always tanned? wahahahaha!!! im so eloquent today!

i guess im just happy cus i made sumbong mang jun to papa!!! hell yeah bitch!

happy happy joy joy...

IN ELATION... THEN DROWNED

though i heard news of mister bean's disapproval about the certificates... i cant care less... as i told quin... i was handed the list of awardees and my job was to make them certificates. how can you expect me to know 383 people? they gave me a list... i trust that list to be right...

so anyway, like i said... i coudn't care less... im in a state of nirvana and no one can bring me down...

i got into the prosthodontics section to deliver my patient's dentures and i was immediately apporached by dr. pinlac who was asking for a copy of my speech... she said it was beautiful... and so did dr. mercado when i borrowed my tally sheet for recording in restorative dentistry... dr. sotelo even asked me if i wrote it... of course i did... you silly prat! i dont have money to hire a speech writer.. potpot my sister is expensive! she writes my dad's speeches for fuckin 500!!!

so mr bean... i dont have a flying fuck what you think... joke lang!!! i will apologize about the names next time i see you... but stress out of course, the fact that it's ur fault...

btw, some newsflash... i saw patty at MARKET MARKET today and she met BON briefly! that was nice!

compromise

THE POWER OF COMPROMISE

ive just learned the power of compromise...
the most difficult thing about loving is compromise...
they say that if you love someone then it shouldn't matter what you think... and you therefore should yield...

it sounds well but then, what about the things you strongly believe in? what about your frustrations? you ideals? your demands? your own satisfaction?

i used to think that people should meet halfway all the time... ive gone a mile, you do the next... ive done this, you do the other...

love is not making a compromise... it is not doing your half and leaving him to accomplish the rest... love is not demanding you've done as much and so he has to do his turn... love is not measured by your power to persuade... love is taking a step, then reaching for his hand and taking his step with him...

cus u cannot expect everyone to be as you are... no one can read exactly what you want... not even him... so if you want him to stay, look him in the eye and coax him to come nearer... and he'll stay... i know he will... just tell him.

songs

SOFT WHISPERS

songs are man's bestfriend... not dogs. cus in ur most diminished state dogs cant do nothin... perhaps lick your fingers and bark you of a daydream, but other than that dgos can't do much...
i remember years back when the world has fallen on me i used to sit quietly on my nook, open my book... and write... silence amongst me but the soft whispering of melodious songs...

i like songs that resonate the depths of my emotions. i like songs that open my eyes to the world... i like songs that admit my lies... i like songs that give meaning to my silence...

i always say: "i'm a frustrated singer"... well i really am. i wanna touch lives the way singers do when i listen to them... i want to placate raging waters with my singing...

my frustration

everyone started joining the tape... the CEU hymn blasting over the speakers and everyone joined in. I just stood there... trying to catch my breath... wanting to scream... wanting to cry... it's all over now, my sleepless nights had paid off. when the singing ended... i came up to ice and hugged her tightly. despite all that's happened, ice made things possible... suddenly people were coming over me and congratulating my team... it was the most awesome feeling... all my sacrifices, all the pain, all the sweat had proved its worth.

Dr. Barcarse even approached me and asked a copy of my speech to print in "The Escolarian"... It was unbelievable... it was my happiest moment...

but I went home last night without anyone to talk to...
Everyone still hated me... and I didn't even mean it!

i do curse a lot... a sickness i've had forever... I curse for fun, I curse when mad... but I never curse at people...

The day I walked out on mommy and cried profusely in the car... screaming and pleeding I was frustrated... I was mad... I was feeling very vulnerable... I was shattered... and mang jun had no right to tell mom i was cursing at her cus i wasn't.

there''s a difference between cursing and cursing at people. potpot curses... she exits an atgument and curses under her breath. what i did is comparable to that... and man jun had no right to exaggerate the situation by merely saying: "minumura kayo"... cus i said more than that...

"tanginang buhay to ganito nlang palagi! pagid na pagod na nga ako sa school ganito pa? puro lait na nga ang natatanggap ko sa school, tangina tapos ganito? bakit si potpot pwedeng maging busy? bakit kapag ako hindi? tangina buong buhay nlang ganito! tangina pagod na pagod na ako"

i believe that if he wanted to tell the story of what happened that day... he should tell everything... cus i cursed out of frustration... i wasn't merely cursing...

now i dont know what to do... my whole family hates me...
it's okay... everyone love him naman eh, brave... kind... helpful mang jun... one day... one day...

my dad's oath taking...

today had a potential to be a disaster... but the skies opened and God said: "Crickette, dont give up too soon honey!"

I woke up at 4:45 to my dad's hard thumpin' on my door... on the other end i heard him calling for me to wake up so I rose from my bed, opened the door and told him I was awake. that shut him up and i took a cold shower, fighting the stings of freezing cold water on my skin. after that, i probably spent a few minutes skipping around my room naked before i realized i had to rush so i dried my hair, and started dressing... at that time, pot went into my room and i asked her to help me with the bow at the back of my dress...

DAD: may memo na binigay... no one's allowed to wear sleeveless!

i looked down my dress and asked myself... is a tube dress sleeveless????

i couldn't believe it! the day i bought the dress i was strutting around the house infront of my dad asking if I looked okay and he didn't tell me anything about a dress code? plus i've been to malcanang before... and there is no such dress code!!! so fuck it, i opened my cabinet and forced myself to wear something else... put on my make-up and rode the starex... furious.

now, that could be forgotten easily... but when we got to Villamor for the AIRFORCE assembly breakfast only a small percentage of the population had sleeves wrapping their arms!!! Oh I hate my dad!!! But wait, my story does not end there... My mom called Sarge Chris and he sped off from Camp Aguinaldo to Villamor with my dress and I immediately transformed... like Cinderella that night of the BALL. HA!!!

Nothing important happened after that... just saw GMA and shook hands with her... and we went home happy for our dad... the incident about the dress totally eradicated from my memory... we were stuffed from lunch at the club house so I turned this computer on and started editing annalyn's first attempt to direct a film (on heimlech maneuver).

very very busy...

i have not been exhausted as i am right now...no proper sleep, eyes wanting to close every second, bones aching, head screaming in pain.

CLINIC

i have finished all my clinic 3 requirements (now waiting for my orange "cartolina"). i didnt even expect to finish RESTO last thursday... i was expecting to finish it later... but to my surprise i got out of the O.D. section, with a patient approved for 2 Class Vs its to amazing... so whilst with menstruation stains on my pants and lab gown I happily closed all remaining sections...

DSC

last week had been too much for me to fathom, meeting deadlines at the students affairs office... making revisions for the recongnition day programme... the dental student council has been left behind for so long that now im struggling to make up for my loss... much to mr bean's delight of course!

last week i had this rather amusing altercation with the woman in TRITONE graphic arts who totally messed up with our certificates for the university recognition. she made everyone a "her" and all were DSC presidents... heck if thats the case then i should have much help then huh?

but anyway, after a depressing exchange of anger, they yielded... calling me hysterical and "talak ng talak" and printed all the certificates free of charge... well they had to anyway!!! but lessons have been learned that day... people in RECTO are stupid!!!

ACADEMICS

as usual, all classes have term reports to be done and all week i have been doing powerpoint presentations for every class. I think my eyes are too exhausted looking at transitions and backgrounds... reading through notes... if my eyes could scream i think it would...
i hate being busy... i hate responisbility!!! i hate it all!!! i hate it all!!!

stainless steel crown

IPAPO CAN DIE NOW!!!

I have no energy to blog tonight... i just have enough angst to express to the world my anger...
My group did not deserve that 3.0 she gave us for our stainless steel crown...
I swear... IPAPO, can die now!!!

he used to...

almost a year and u start counting the differences...
he used to take my socks off...
he used to write me love quotes...
he used to call me his princess...
he used to...
the list goes on...

why can't things be permanent?
why cant he take my socks off still?
or cook me lunch?
or run up and down the clinic for me?

i know he loves me but things sometimes change i guess...
less of this...
more of that...

i can't have it all i guess...
but i'm a girl... girls want it all!!!

lifeless

i used to say my greatest fear is not passing the board exams...
i realized there's something more grave than that...

last sunday my dad got a call from tita joji and he was told that my tito dindo (kidney surgeon) suffered an attack after a round of golf. what's amazing about this story is that, my tito, with his heart pounding violently, even managed to drive himself to heart center... only to meet death not even 24hours from when his heart took the magnificent leap...

the thought that he had a heart attack had not sunk in yet, and already we had to accept the fact that tito dindo was forever gone...

am i ready to die? sometimes you look at things from a distance and it doesn't seem ominous but when it's right in front of you... you can't even look at it. i'm scared of death... i'm scared of not living a full life... scared of leaving people behind... moreso, i'm scared of losing someone...

i wish life was more permanent...

99.5rt

dianne and i agreed to visit tita flor's wake together so we did, yesterday...
so anyway, we kinda timed ourselves... 30minutes... then it became an hour... we just sat there... waiting for our cue to leave... and we just did...
so difficult to go to wakes...

so anyway, we left the chapel and we got into the car on our way home when we heard SAM on the radio... Sam was formerly Rafiki in Magic 89.9 but he was pirated by 99.5rt and he's diannes friend from ateneo so we dropped by at the station and he made us go on air... i made bon listen and i said hi to him and arlene... super funny!!!

no words

have u ever
sat and stared
counting seconds til
u pop

have u ever
held a pen
so tightly
it may break

have u ever
had a day
when words
dont ever come

today i wished to write, but my spirit overcame me

nothing but nothing...

yesterday wasn't typical...

dad got another star on his shoulder. we have anticipated it for quite long so it wasn't much of an episode. yesterday, he got home and on his uniform another star was pinned, he had a big smile on his face... and on his hand were keys to the new vios he bought for my mom...

i was flippin through pages of my prosthodontics handout when 'liwanag sa dilim" (my ringtone) sounded. bon and arlene were still asleep upstairs so i quickly crept outside to take the call...

DAD: how do you spell mommy's name?
CRIX: you dont know???
DAD: ano nga?
CRIX: aren't you supposed to know cus your her husband? R-A-C-H-E-L-L-E
DAD: okay... i need it cus i bought her a car
CRIX: you what?
DAD: i bought her a vios
CRIX: wow!

bon later realized, im the lone jollogs in this family!!! abi and pia gets to school in the starex... pot drives the sportage to school... me??? i beat manila traffic in my good ol' kia PRIDE!!! oh well...

mom, however, wi.shed not to break banality... just as always this was what she said:
MOM: i dont need a car! i didn't ask for anything... why did you give me a car? i dont want anything! di ko yan idadrive! i swear! kayo na gumamit niyan!

haaaaay si mommy talaga!!!

**************

and yet another news...

my pulpotomy team that consisted of moi, annlyn, maj, kuya paul and bon... failed drastically at our first attempt!

we thought all was well... clinical conference was a success! our baskets ready... our instruments sterilzed... clamp (check)... formocresol (check)... laptop (check)... little mermaid vcd for behavioral management (check) mcdonalds breakfast for bribery (check)...

guardian (check)... paitent (WHERE THE HELL IS OUR PATIENT????????????)

to make my long story short, we have all come to agree that ate mary (our evil money hungry agent) poisoned the lola's mind and convinved her to check in as a CD (denture) patient instead of being guardian to our pulpotomy patient. we had to go walk to san sebastian... talk to the aunt... talk to the mom... pick the child at the day care center... ride the pedicab back... lose the lola (who according to ate mary has gone back home) and so head back to san sebastian to pick her up! (bullshit) and ride another pedicab with guess what... we got the same pedicab driver so he gave us a P5 discount! (that was proabably the best thing that's happened all day...)

so back to school... we got into the Ortho-Pedo Section. I took the kid for skin testing that went really well (to my delight) and was looking for forward to a successful mandiblock (anesthetic technique to numb half of your jaw) when at the very sight of the syringe (injection) the patient stiffened, eyes away from the LITTLE MERMAID that was playing on the laptop, and refused to open her mouth...

that was the end of it all... for 3hours... we tried to convince her to open her mouth... made bribes... magic tricks... even threatened the child... i even asked her to pay for the spaghetti she ate (which was quite rude , i know)... and after that whole episode, we packed our stuff... determined to look for a new patient...

it wasn't that the kid was incorrigible... she was very nice... we reached upto caries removal... ready for access prep... but she was too young (4years old) to be willing to accept treatment... she couldn't understand what was happening... the mere sound of the handpiece frightened her...

i feel really bad... sad that we didn't make it... sad for the kid and furious of ate mary!!! she can die now...

i hate today!!!

blank...
empty...
my mind roams into the unknown

vague...
unfamiliar...
darkness beyond me unfolds

still...
colorless...
life is a redundant mistake

pain...
weakness...
envelops my world

let me escape!

last but not relenting... EXO!

my white sterile gloves became almost red with blood after suturing my very last extraction for my entire student life... i needed 3 more. 3 more extractions and oral surgery would be closed. so i went into school... threw in my instruments for sterilization and waited in line to PERFORM!

approached dr. mirador for diagnosis... and he approved 4! onto my chair... wore my gloves and numbed the patient dead. it was going well... i struggled with the anteriors but i didn't pay much attention to it. i went on... 2 incisors out. 1 birooted premolar out. and onto the extralong canine!!!

before i pricked my needle into where the root is approximated, i stared at the radiograph... felt my heart stop when i saw the length of the root, but retrieved my gum separator from the tray to proceed. i thought, some skill involved but manageable... i just extracted a birooted premolar... whats a canine?

what's a canine??? a fuckin pain in the ass...

after what seemed like an hour of nudging... forward and backward. right and left. rocking and rocking. my hand was getting numb yet the tooth remained intact. no sign of movement... not even a micro inch... nada! i braved it once again... more force... more force... more force... my hand shaking... my whole body tense... my heart raising... all to no avail! so i decided to come up to dr. mirador: "sir i can't do it anymore!"... and as it turned out... he can't too!

so there we were... chisel and mallet... crushing bone and lacerating gums to get the tooth out. blood was everywhere. 3 packs of gauze to the bin. 2 more packs stolen from other clinicians. 2 packs of tissue gone. suturing thread all consumed. fragments of bone... crushed. energy... lost. pride... lost. section... closed. dr calixtro will be ecstatic!

so i realized... all's well that ends well!

revenge

i hate her...
she looks at me
and my world collides
my tranquility invaded
a tsunami she strikes me to death
her voice shreaks into my soul...
resonates even to the depths
of where i find refuge.

leech...
she clings on
she eats me alive

knife...
in my hand
i want to bring
to her heart...

love

what hurts with loving they say is loving in isolation...

loving someone intensely but not being loved back.

yet when i think of it... if one can blatantly reject you to your face then you have all the reason to pick yourself up and leave... move on... but if you love someone, and everyday you ask yourself: "does he really love me"... dont you think that hurts more?

everyday i ask myself that... everyday i wake up looking for a hand to grasp hold of... i'm frightened to look away, cus i might lose him. frightened to close my eyes cus it might be over when i open. like a fireworks display in the sky, set off for a magnificent show that gives ephemeral happiness... if you close your eyes, you'll miss it and all your investment goes down the drain...

when will i ever learn to trust again??? 11months and i here i am again...

why earl???

"why earl?" same question jason asked me when he rang me at home to go deeper into the story than he has already is.

it's actually very hilarious. crafted by roman and ryan (camp friends) who for years have given names to mostly everyone in the group. you'd have to be sad if you hadn't been christened with one name at least... (i.e. DIANNE: baby D; JUDD: juggy, juggernaut, japoops, chapupu; RYAN: rigor, rigorot, rhezhous; CARLO: acarl, shroal; JACK: jfigs and others that i can't remember!)

...now here...

my mom's name is rocky. when i was younger, like gradeschool young, i was called rocky and i hated it... i mean first of all it's not my name right? second its my mom's name??? so to make it more appropriate they added a "C" and it became crocky... then i left for london and when i got back it sort of went back to rocky again and then crocky... and then the next thing i knew they were calling me sonny crocket. i think that's from one of the vintage disney films or maybe not cus i have a memory of this song "davy, davy crocket" so now i'm realizing as i'm writing this that i don't exactly know where sonny crocket came from....

so anyway, from sonny crocket which i abhorred with much intensity, i became earl sonny... with an earl sonny crocket, and earl sonny alvarado derivative and then the guys went wild with names... and what used to be an annual evolution became monthly... some even weekly.

earl sonny crocket, later on became earl the pearl, which i found rather amazing cus i didn't mind being a pearl at all... however, earl the pearl i think was much work for them (3 words--such a task for guys) so it wasn't long before i was pearl shake and pearl shike.(to signify some kind of ghetto slang accent of some sort) well, those were okay too cus it wasn't distasteful at all until suddenly... it became PERLA...

luckily though PERLA did not survive and since to most of them earl stuck... for almost 2 years now my name has not evolved any further. which brings me now to why jack calls me "EARL"...

ok? thank you very much!!!