10 MONTHS

10 months ago i feared love... 10 months ago i almost closed my door again...

i agree. it wasn't all peaches and cream... the air was not always tranquil, infact turbulence was more often felt than complete stagnation. and many times, i've mustered the right courage to end this long "dream", but only finding myself unable to do it...

years have passed since my heart was mercilessly broken into pieces. that day seems so distant from me now. but the feeling, the emotion, the pain that it bore in my heart is still felt like clamours in my soul. i am who i am because of he who came like a storm and shattered my world in fragments. i am who he has caused me to become... and for that I LOATHE WESLEY!

there are nights i spend weaving illusions of isolation... i fear the day shall come and ill wake up alone again... with no one to turn to... with mocking eyes piercing deeply into my skin... with laughters drowning in my soul... i know if i hurt myself now, i'd be numb by then and not feel the pain. i know if i love him less, the pain wont be great...

why can't i trust again? what has he done to me? Bon would always tell me to wake up from this nightmare i have been in for years... to destroy the images of my wicked past... and although I feel his warmth when he holds my hand, as I grip him tightly i count the days til he breaks away from my hold...

i cant be like this forever... i cant do this anymore... i should learn how to love again... to love real... to give him my whole heart... it has been 10 months... isn't that enough proof that he loves you crix?