why haven't i written?

I HATE HIM!

i haven't written for ages...you probably think that i've been kidnapped or some catastrophe has come my way... but no. although, i did get into some mess with JUN (i refuse to call him manong jun now). Bon must be right when he said that JUN's gay... cus i can't imagine a straight guy to give a damn so much...

there was this night last week when i wasn't really very sad but tears just kept flowing down my cheeks and of course it got me into thinking... (but let me remind you, i wasn't really lonely to begin with, i was actually fantasizing about other things---hahahaha, then my lacrimal ducts started oversecreting tears and so the sacs burst)

so back to my thinking... i realized my life has not changed much in years... minus the ocassional emergence i am, most of the time, deep down into the pits. my mom and i will forever fight about everything... JUN will eternally bring me doom... i will forever be a shadow and even if I graduate and decide to leave... their ghosts will haunt me...

at this point, i had stood up and i as dabbed the fresh hanky onto my face i realized, i could end all this... stop the tears.... stop the pain... end my grief... i could end my life...

it wasn't the first time... i think i've imagined suicide many times but always with a smile.

i can't kill myself you see... cus i know that if i did then id be in hell soon and that's even worse compared to seeing JUN BASA's face every morning... but then, what if suicide wasn't wrong? what if i could just take my life and end all this?

or disappear? or anything else equivalent to ceasing existence here... right now...

i know if there was another option... i would've taken it...

long time ago...