on going out

ON GOING OUT


sometimes i wish i had all the answers in the world...
the main reason i refused to commit to a relationship was my fear of the inevitable despair... but i have plunged and however carefully i try to shield myself from it, tears come down...


what i liked most about being single was my indispensible time... my freedom... my right to liberation and the perpetual invitation to parties and fun... cus somehow, once your status switches from single to "in a relationship" the book closes... the spotlights focus somewhere else... and all the freedom's, gone...


i am not a slave... but that's how society is, and i probably am weak so i succomb to it. there is this call to domestication. when ur no longer available... its really harder to party. i know not all women are like me and that people will say, "kasalanan mo yan" but that's how i am... i lose the zest for fun and excitement... and get content with simply being at home... perhaps if i knew how to knit, i would be working the threads... haha! but since i dont i have converted into a bonafide couch potato and have burried myself in notes and books that needed to be read. that's how i am... that's what i become.


so although Bon knew me as the "gimmickera" i was before, it wasn't very long before my gimmick clothes came to no use... and gimmick nights became to movie date nights with him... it was the inevitable... i didn't complain much...


but then sometimes, like now... i feel the urge to go out... the poor soul trapped for months seem to want to burst from within me and though it is not a wild urge or exaggerated feasting, i do want to be part of the noisy scene outside too... want to dance til i drop... want to drink til im too drunk to remember a thing... there is perhaps a limit to domestication... ive reached my threshold... it can't go further than that...


"its not that idont want you to go out? but thats too much!"
what is too much though?
i hardly go out... all the time we were together i could count the few times i've been out... and now that i've been out every week he thinks he's losing me?


damn!