INSIGNIFICANT

INSIGNIFICANT

I have never felt so alone ever as I am right now...

Today I officially became a dentist.
I have waited for this forever... I have dreamt to see this for so long...
I thought it would be amazing
But it wasn't at all.

No one came with me...
No one even wanted to come...
Have I been so horrible to have no one happy for me at all?
Do I really deserve this?

I tagged along with annalyn's parents the whole day
Took pictures with them...
Pretended to be okay
When asked: "why didn't anyone come?"
I just told them everyone was busy...

I am so tired of my life...
I am so tired of forever tagging along...
I feel like a tag along in my own family...
Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born

It probably would be easier for everyone.
Especially mom.

I imagined this day for as long as I can remember
But I have never felt so alone ever as I am right now...

ALL GROWED UP

ALL GROWED UP

Not an error, if you please, im quoting my once favorite cartoon show, THE RUGRATS cus for almost two weeks now I have been forced to grow up...

The stint began as a suggestion that sounded really well and so I bought 3 pairs of SCRUBS at bangbang and went in the 1301st Dental Core expecting nothing and coming out, signed up for a 3-month externiship...

Most of my friends have began parading in their suits, waving around their resumes to be able to start earning, I come in everyday, wake up at 6:30 am and endure the rush hour traffic through EDSA to get to work on time...

Unpaid, Underestimated, Alone... yet eventhough I am put in the most difficult of situations, i come home through the creeping roads back home fulfilled to be living the dream I have always pictured myself in. Last week I was merely jotting down names in record books and I felt like a true professional.

This is the life I have wished for so long... I pray nothing goes wrong...

HOW TO PLAN MY FUTURE

HOW TO PLAN MY FUTURE

when i was in predent... i wished so much to be in dentistry cus i hated my uniform intensely. when was a dentistry proper i longed so much to be a clinician to be able to wear the pants... when i stepped in clinic i wanted for everything to be over...

that was how i was... and when i was preparing for the board exams i wanted to start all over again so that i could retrace my steps and go back to where things went out of control...

but that cant happen... this is not the movies, that what bon tells me everytimes when we're fighting about how dense he sometimes is... he tells me crix this is the real world, your fairy tale fatasies dont come true here...

and thats true...

so i guess i really cant turn back time and yes i am now A DENTIST!

whats difficult with all this really is that, 6 years ago i have wished to be here but now that im here i have no idea what i have to do next... i have never been so scared ever in my life. more than when i first tried to extract a tooth... more than when i first attempted to do a root canal... more than when i even took the board exams...

i am too frightened.
i never imagined this at all...
and there are tons of DVDs i still have to watch
and more CDs i need to burn...

should i just sit on the couch and wait for the sky to fall on me?
should i retreat into my room until world war 3 starts?
i dunno...
im so used at taking orders from people and now that there are no rules, orders and tasks to follow... im so lost.

maybe ill just sleep again
i have heard of people who encounter epiphanies in their slumbers, maybe ill have one of those and find true meaning in my life...

oh well...
i guess things will be better soon...
i hope.

OUR STORM

OUR STORM

i thought when i got the news id be the happiest person in the world...

i guess i counted my chickens too early, most of them got crushed...

now half of my dreams remain as fragments untraceble in thin air

i imagined it many times in my mind, played it over and over in my head...

but last week, when manila bulletin posted the list of new dentists and I did not find bon's name, tears came out of control and loneliness wrapped my body in whole.

i spent the next 24 hours after that soaked in my salty tears... my sobbing faint in exhaustion... my eyes that used to be an entire cavity that held my eyeballs in place, merely a slit. it felt like the skies have collided against me and i asked God over and over "why?"

who would've have thought the roads of nagtahan would be peaceful enough to communicate truths to me? i was driving home after being with Bon that day when i realized suddenly how great the Lord truly is...

For the 2 years that I have been with Bon I have asked constantly for God to teach Bon to be meek and all those times I have tried to bring him down from where he stood mightily, but failed a dozen of times. I longed to touch his heart, I longed to tame the man...

Manila Bulletin silenced him... God touched his heart in a way i did not ever imagine...

When you look at things sometimes its difficult to understand how the Lord chooses to make our wishes come true... we focus on the physical. the number of hankies soaked in tears, the pain, the loneliness... we often forget that we merely are actors playing the script God has written thousands of years before us... that we are in no power to alter history and change the course of life.

Everything happened for a reason. However painful, this was part of his plan... and perhaps soon, there will be a rainbow...

and the storm will stop.