nothing but nothing...

yesterday wasn't typical...

dad got another star on his shoulder. we have anticipated it for quite long so it wasn't much of an episode. yesterday, he got home and on his uniform another star was pinned, he had a big smile on his face... and on his hand were keys to the new vios he bought for my mom...

i was flippin through pages of my prosthodontics handout when 'liwanag sa dilim" (my ringtone) sounded. bon and arlene were still asleep upstairs so i quickly crept outside to take the call...

DAD: how do you spell mommy's name?
CRIX: you dont know???
DAD: ano nga?
CRIX: aren't you supposed to know cus your her husband? R-A-C-H-E-L-L-E
DAD: okay... i need it cus i bought her a car
CRIX: you what?
DAD: i bought her a vios
CRIX: wow!

bon later realized, im the lone jollogs in this family!!! abi and pia gets to school in the starex... pot drives the sportage to school... me??? i beat manila traffic in my good ol' kia PRIDE!!! oh well...

mom, however, wi.shed not to break banality... just as always this was what she said:
MOM: i dont need a car! i didn't ask for anything... why did you give me a car? i dont want anything! di ko yan idadrive! i swear! kayo na gumamit niyan!

haaaaay si mommy talaga!!!

**************

and yet another news...

my pulpotomy team that consisted of moi, annlyn, maj, kuya paul and bon... failed drastically at our first attempt!

we thought all was well... clinical conference was a success! our baskets ready... our instruments sterilzed... clamp (check)... formocresol (check)... laptop (check)... little mermaid vcd for behavioral management (check) mcdonalds breakfast for bribery (check)...

guardian (check)... paitent (WHERE THE HELL IS OUR PATIENT????????????)

to make my long story short, we have all come to agree that ate mary (our evil money hungry agent) poisoned the lola's mind and convinved her to check in as a CD (denture) patient instead of being guardian to our pulpotomy patient. we had to go walk to san sebastian... talk to the aunt... talk to the mom... pick the child at the day care center... ride the pedicab back... lose the lola (who according to ate mary has gone back home) and so head back to san sebastian to pick her up! (bullshit) and ride another pedicab with guess what... we got the same pedicab driver so he gave us a P5 discount! (that was proabably the best thing that's happened all day...)

so back to school... we got into the Ortho-Pedo Section. I took the kid for skin testing that went really well (to my delight) and was looking for forward to a successful mandiblock (anesthetic technique to numb half of your jaw) when at the very sight of the syringe (injection) the patient stiffened, eyes away from the LITTLE MERMAID that was playing on the laptop, and refused to open her mouth...

that was the end of it all... for 3hours... we tried to convince her to open her mouth... made bribes... magic tricks... even threatened the child... i even asked her to pay for the spaghetti she ate (which was quite rude , i know)... and after that whole episode, we packed our stuff... determined to look for a new patient...

it wasn't that the kid was incorrigible... she was very nice... we reached upto caries removal... ready for access prep... but she was too young (4years old) to be willing to accept treatment... she couldn't understand what was happening... the mere sound of the handpiece frightened her...

i feel really bad... sad that we didn't make it... sad for the kid and furious of ate mary!!! she can die now...

i hate today!!!

blank...
empty...
my mind roams into the unknown

vague...
unfamiliar...
darkness beyond me unfolds

still...
colorless...
life is a redundant mistake

pain...
weakness...
envelops my world

let me escape!

last but not relenting... EXO!

my white sterile gloves became almost red with blood after suturing my very last extraction for my entire student life... i needed 3 more. 3 more extractions and oral surgery would be closed. so i went into school... threw in my instruments for sterilization and waited in line to PERFORM!

approached dr. mirador for diagnosis... and he approved 4! onto my chair... wore my gloves and numbed the patient dead. it was going well... i struggled with the anteriors but i didn't pay much attention to it. i went on... 2 incisors out. 1 birooted premolar out. and onto the extralong canine!!!

before i pricked my needle into where the root is approximated, i stared at the radiograph... felt my heart stop when i saw the length of the root, but retrieved my gum separator from the tray to proceed. i thought, some skill involved but manageable... i just extracted a birooted premolar... whats a canine?

what's a canine??? a fuckin pain in the ass...

after what seemed like an hour of nudging... forward and backward. right and left. rocking and rocking. my hand was getting numb yet the tooth remained intact. no sign of movement... not even a micro inch... nada! i braved it once again... more force... more force... more force... my hand shaking... my whole body tense... my heart raising... all to no avail! so i decided to come up to dr. mirador: "sir i can't do it anymore!"... and as it turned out... he can't too!

so there we were... chisel and mallet... crushing bone and lacerating gums to get the tooth out. blood was everywhere. 3 packs of gauze to the bin. 2 more packs stolen from other clinicians. 2 packs of tissue gone. suturing thread all consumed. fragments of bone... crushed. energy... lost. pride... lost. section... closed. dr calixtro will be ecstatic!

so i realized... all's well that ends well!

revenge

i hate her...
she looks at me
and my world collides
my tranquility invaded
a tsunami she strikes me to death
her voice shreaks into my soul...
resonates even to the depths
of where i find refuge.

leech...
she clings on
she eats me alive

knife...
in my hand
i want to bring
to her heart...

love

what hurts with loving they say is loving in isolation...

loving someone intensely but not being loved back.

yet when i think of it... if one can blatantly reject you to your face then you have all the reason to pick yourself up and leave... move on... but if you love someone, and everyday you ask yourself: "does he really love me"... dont you think that hurts more?

everyday i ask myself that... everyday i wake up looking for a hand to grasp hold of... i'm frightened to look away, cus i might lose him. frightened to close my eyes cus it might be over when i open. like a fireworks display in the sky, set off for a magnificent show that gives ephemeral happiness... if you close your eyes, you'll miss it and all your investment goes down the drain...

when will i ever learn to trust again??? 11months and i here i am again...

why earl???

"why earl?" same question jason asked me when he rang me at home to go deeper into the story than he has already is.

it's actually very hilarious. crafted by roman and ryan (camp friends) who for years have given names to mostly everyone in the group. you'd have to be sad if you hadn't been christened with one name at least... (i.e. DIANNE: baby D; JUDD: juggy, juggernaut, japoops, chapupu; RYAN: rigor, rigorot, rhezhous; CARLO: acarl, shroal; JACK: jfigs and others that i can't remember!)

...now here...

my mom's name is rocky. when i was younger, like gradeschool young, i was called rocky and i hated it... i mean first of all it's not my name right? second its my mom's name??? so to make it more appropriate they added a "C" and it became crocky... then i left for london and when i got back it sort of went back to rocky again and then crocky... and then the next thing i knew they were calling me sonny crocket. i think that's from one of the vintage disney films or maybe not cus i have a memory of this song "davy, davy crocket" so now i'm realizing as i'm writing this that i don't exactly know where sonny crocket came from....

so anyway, from sonny crocket which i abhorred with much intensity, i became earl sonny... with an earl sonny crocket, and earl sonny alvarado derivative and then the guys went wild with names... and what used to be an annual evolution became monthly... some even weekly.

earl sonny crocket, later on became earl the pearl, which i found rather amazing cus i didn't mind being a pearl at all... however, earl the pearl i think was much work for them (3 words--such a task for guys) so it wasn't long before i was pearl shake and pearl shike.(to signify some kind of ghetto slang accent of some sort) well, those were okay too cus it wasn't distasteful at all until suddenly... it became PERLA...

luckily though PERLA did not survive and since to most of them earl stuck... for almost 2 years now my name has not evolved any further. which brings me now to why jack calls me "EARL"...

ok? thank you very much!!!

small small world...

"i'm a big big girl in a small small world..."
that's my own version of that girl's song what the fuck is her name??? emilia??? can't remember!!! so anyway, this is why...

yesterday whilst updating our files at kampyuter, my celphone rang... jack was calling

JACK: Earl! may papakausap ako sa iyo
CRIX: sino?
JACK: basta!!!
__________: Crix!!! guess who?
CRIX: huh? sino to?
__________: si Jason!
CRIX: Jason? huh? Sinong Jason?
__________: si Jason Devera!
CRIX: Jason??? huh??? kilala mo si Jack?
JASON DEVERA: siya nagiinstall ng set-up ko sa car ko! small world noh? pinag-uusapan ka nga namin eh!
CRIX: wow! weird.. pakausap kay Jack!
JACK: Earl!!!
CRIX: tang ina Jack tumahimik ka ha??? Wag kang maingay jan!
JACK: oo naman Earl!!!

fucking small fucking world!!!

back again...

just to prove my point... barely a week in school and already i'm too knackered to even write a lame-ass recant of the happenings in my life... too exhausted when i get home i search desperately for my bed and count the hours til my alarm buzzes 5am and im off to battle another day...

the good thing about this is that though i started late in clinic this week... when i started last thursday, i knew this mania wouldn't stop until my blue tallysheet is stolen from my grasp and i'm sporting my new orange one...

i'm barely there... just the elusive pulpotomy and i'm on my way... why is pediatric dentistry such a hindrance to my success all the time? last sem it was that quest for an appliance that kept my eyes soaked in tears... now, here i am again, desperately wishing that from the heavens a little angel shall fall...

oh i want it all to be over soon... and fuck this cold im having is making me hate life!!!

school is creeping

one more good sleep and then im back to my reality of forcing my zombie-like self under the showers at 5:00am. back to my regular manila traffic and the horn-beating mania i go through day by day in my good ol' kia. back to the 8am sterilization deadline. back to the blue tallysheet that still has to be fulfiled. back to courting the money-hungry agents outside the clinics. the quick reprieve had been such comfort that i cant let go of it.

im tired. already on my 6th year and im tired. exhausted of the routine. knackered of their expectations. i just want some time machine to bring me to where i am marching to the stage and all this is over. a certificate on my hand... a title before my name... the famous three letter acronym dangling after it.

i cant believe how quick it went... i still remember convincing the lady at foreign affairs to let me enroll without my grades and then pretending to not understand filipino so i could get a student assistant to tag along with me like a puppy. it's all fresh... like as if it happened yesterday and now im almost out of that damned school...

can't i be out sooner??? i really want all this to be over soon... let my dreams be amongst me now... im ready!

another year goodbye

another year has passed me by... strings entwined, my life came fleeting in different shades of memories that has brought me like a rampaging sea into this concave of which i have sought refuge... for the past years i have been clamoured by ghosts from histories far away and after enduring long years of pain i here i am... happy.

mabeth told me i radiate happiness... if in the past i reeked of defeat... now my glass is full to the brim... i am happy... i am satisfied... i am in love...

yes in love. in love with life... in love with bon... in love with myself...

it had been a struggle to pick up fragments of my scattered soul, but i have been invigorated... i am now totally replenished... 2004 was my primer... 2005 i start living my life... to live it the way i should have years before... to live it unmindful of their eyes...

pot was right... your critics will do all they can to deprave you... should you choose to be moved or not, their feelings toward you wont ever change... thus all attempts to battle is futile... fighting wont result to my victory... my victory will be my indifference... my indifference will be their defeat...

i surely cant wait to win...