men...

jack: but she's given me so much... i should be able to at least return half of it

albee: pero jack di mo nga kaya eh

crix: you think girls are all materialistic... but thats not what we ask for! ugh!!!

when we ask you to give us your all... we are not pertaining to your money. we're not interested with the number of zeros after the comma, but the number of times you went in the way just make us feel special.

To "Give your all" is to give all that you can do and even all that you cannot.

labor of love... the trickle of sweat down your spine...

when you can't endure anymore, that's your ALL

he's so far

he's probaby tucked in bed right now... miles from me and here i sit infront of the computer again, drowning myself in sorrows.

i hate vacations for the sad fact of bon being so far from me... it's been 10 months but it still hasn't been easy to accept that he's there and im here. makes me think of how athena and carlo can survive a long distance relationship... cus how can you love someone you cannot touch? you cannot see? you cannot smell? you cannot feel?

i never was good with distance. i lost judd when i went to london.but then again we were young, what did we really know about love? ours was like an old fairy tale ended too soon. and when i was with wesley? i dreaded his trips back home... for years now, none has changed. time has not succeeded in making me strong for this... i still weave illusions of self-professed paranoias. i still let my imagination run wild.

the only long distance relationship i handled well was jp. the further he was from me... the better that i was attached to him. he is like an airborne disease... proximaty matters. but i do miss him sometimes... if there was something jp was good at, it was talking. we can talk about anything... and talk for hours...

but when will i ever get used to the fact that bon is from pampanga??? every time he leaves me i see him disappear slowly from the horizon into his alternate universe... his own world. what happens there? what is in pampanga??? annalyn used to ask me: "crickette dont you get scared that maybe he lives a different life there?"

well... actually i do... i fear it so much.

camp people!!!

i can't handle my booze anymore!!! no more... no more!!!
i was at the white house's gazebo with dianne, some ateneo friends and camp friends whom i have not seen in ages and like a true "loner" i was so psyched to be out...
but after a few glasses of red wine and a couple of shots from kat and dianne's funky mix with the calamansi taste... i find out that i can't handle my booze anymore!
it's so funny cos bon rang me and i was already pissed and he was telling me off... screaming:" go home now! stop drinking, go home now!" and i just laughed: "i dont want to go home!" crying like a kid... amazing...
i got so guilty however, who knows what else i've done under the influence of alcohol??? so i went home... and tucked myself to bed... and this morning i woke up with a fucking headache... as if a lorry ran over me a million times!

wasted i was... but i love getting wasted!!!

my blog blog blog

my sister says my attempt to customize my blog is so narcisistic!!! i dont fucking care!!! so what if my face is plastered all over the fucking screen??? who cares? if you can't read it cus you're getting hella sick of my face, then leave!!! bwahahahahahahaha!!!

so anyway, im in this state of greatness... im excited about my new blog layout but sad ofcourse cus i cant view comments and i cant have a tag board anymore... so thats like totally sad!!!

christmas

it's not as it was before... probably wont ever be... it hasn't been for long... it wouldn't be ever... again...

we had dinner early at 9pm compared to the long wait that we endure til 12midnight. everyone would be hungry waiting to be fed... mom would be cooking and the kitchen would be off limits... the kids would be all over the house, or cramped in the couch watching all sorts of chrstmas specials... but tonight we ate at 9... gave gifts shorltly after and then went on with our lives...

where has the spirit gone? are we all too old for christmas? is there an age limit to enjoy christmas?

and as if it wasn't enough, my dad rose from his sleep and started screaming: "why didn't you wake me up? asan na ang pagkain ko?" that was enough trigger to keep my mom going... like a set of cards, what was left of our christmas dream cascaded into oblivion... mom started screaming as well and as their voices rose i tried my best to concentrate on my "text twist" game.

i hate christmas... i hate everything about it... i hate my family... i hate my life...

kampyuter

i love working at kampyuter... minus the back aches and the increase of positivity in atoms... (anything i touch creates a kind of static, it's so amazing... i feel like i'm magnetized or some klind of human livewire?) anyway, minus that. i love working here at kampyuter... its constantly cold... i can listen to music... free internet...

actually... i wanna say something more interesting than my love for kampyuter but i cant seem to find the right emotion to write something worth your while... i am utterly bored!!! i am speechless... and for once my life is a dull color of gray...

it's december 24th... a few hours before christmas and i have no gifts to open... i've spent almost P5000 on gifts for everyone and i'm receiving zilch! I'm not really demmanding anything... when i was shopping and looking for things for people i was in such a sort of nirvana and totally delighted with all the things i got for each of them... but thinking now... that's quite sad cus they'd be opening stuff, all of them and i'd be there watching!

it's not that i'm selfish, i do delight at people's sincere gratitude... but i do have a materialistic side in me too... so sad... im gonna cry now.... bye!

didi's car

ina, marie, didi and i finally left elements bar and after walking past them girls in ruffled skirts and boobs oozing out of their boob tube tops, we got into the car and fixed the itenerary only to find out that didi's car wont start!

so there i was, feeling confident with my kia pride skills i told didi to pop the hood and the trunk, and to get something that i could use to make pukpok the "solinoid". i was telling them, "guys believe in me... i know what to do in situations like this"... so i got this metal thing from the trunk and i popped the hood of the car and my jaw dropped... "where the hell is your freakin' solinoid?" we saw a couple of security guards and i asked them to point out to me which the solinoid was in her car cus in my kia, the solinoid looked rather different.. infact, the whole freakin arrangement of things were so far from how didi's car was...

totally miserable and convinced to be stuck there in the parking lot we took out the camera and took photos instead with the security guard until out knights in shining armor arrived and agreed to have didi's car "seriesed" to theirs!

honestly, i was quite disppointed... i thought i was gonna save the day like a modern super hero... tsk tsk tsk! oh well!!!

my social life has redeemed itself somehow...

oh yeah, my social life redeemed itself somehow this week... friday night i was out with my baby, his friend big boy and jef and my bessie mabeth who saw bon for the first time in 10months. we went to quattro in timog and i stuffed myself with yummy tuna and i didn't really want to drink much cos i feel that my alcohol tolerance has been diminshed to it's lowest level and i didnt wanna barf again at our garden... so there!

then last night saturday i was out with my `kada... ina, patty, marie and didi!!! dids picked em up and we got stuck in fuckin' santolan traffic and then struggled with parking backwards at the parking lot in greenbelt three! so anyway, we victored eventually and then met patty who couldn't find CAFE BOLA! ina arrived shortly... and we just met with marie at elements bar for that kitchie nadal gig. it was so cool cus we had free food and we were quite disappointed that we had to spend at CAFE BOLA when plates were oozing with yummy food---so so so so sayang talaga!

i wanted to get kitchie's picture for bon, had didi talk to the manager to be able to do that, but we sort of got lost in conversation and marie's amusing stories were just to entertaining!

i love my friends so much... i really do!!!

10 MONTHS

10 months ago i feared love... 10 months ago i almost closed my door again...

i agree. it wasn't all peaches and cream... the air was not always tranquil, infact turbulence was more often felt than complete stagnation. and many times, i've mustered the right courage to end this long "dream", but only finding myself unable to do it...

years have passed since my heart was mercilessly broken into pieces. that day seems so distant from me now. but the feeling, the emotion, the pain that it bore in my heart is still felt like clamours in my soul. i am who i am because of he who came like a storm and shattered my world in fragments. i am who he has caused me to become... and for that I LOATHE WESLEY!

there are nights i spend weaving illusions of isolation... i fear the day shall come and ill wake up alone again... with no one to turn to... with mocking eyes piercing deeply into my skin... with laughters drowning in my soul... i know if i hurt myself now, i'd be numb by then and not feel the pain. i know if i love him less, the pain wont be great...

why can't i trust again? what has he done to me? Bon would always tell me to wake up from this nightmare i have been in for years... to destroy the images of my wicked past... and although I feel his warmth when he holds my hand, as I grip him tightly i count the days til he breaks away from my hold...

i cant be like this forever... i cant do this anymore... i should learn how to love again... to love real... to give him my whole heart... it has been 10 months... isn't that enough proof that he loves you crix?

about my being sleepy, then about something else...

bon thinks i'm doing something rather mysterious that's why i'm always sleepy... why am i sleepy always ba? i dunno... maybe i have a sleeping disorder... or maybe i'm just really tired...
but why am i always tired?

so anyway, im so grateful to doc ed for lending us his dental clinic today. we totally ransacked the place. and oh my god i hate directing plays where there's a battalion of people to cast and some people just cant carry a line? i know im not such a thespian but is it so difficult? i'm not so eager to see the result of this film were making... i have a feeling its gonna be a total flop!!! HURRAH!!!

im totally bored... i have to load freakin songs into bon's ipod now... til there's more sense in my life... mmmmuah!

golf buggy

is that how you even call it? okay ill call it a golf cart nlang! so i was in the hammock at the back of our house trying to absord community dentistry when i got a call from boom (imagine my luck--ive been isolated from my friends for months now cus i was grounded for quite sometime and i lost my phone therefore losing all their numbers when just this week i get in touch with a number of them and now, my social-life has redeemed itself) and he said he was coming over to pick me up in a golf cart... i didn't really understand him at first but when i did i was like: "GOLF CART ARE YOU SERIOUS?" and as it turned out, he really was... so we drove from my street to capinpin (approximately megamall and galleria distance). its so funny, whilst passing through the golf course a number of walking golfers looked at us as if to say: "how come i dont have one and i'm a proper golfer?" and then we decided to get dianne... stupid boom though, he turned the damn thing off and it wouldn't start anymore. so he had to push it and that was the end of our golf cart ride...

was supposed to go to mabeth's today

i woke up with a text from bon who's left for pamapanga at freakin' 6am! imagine the nerve! can't even visit me before he leaves! why are men so insensitive ? so anyway, i didn't reply til i was totally aware of my surroundings at around 10am when i heard manong jun and ate lani taking turns pounding on the wall. whether or not they were doing it on purpose, only meant that it was too late for me to still be enjoying the comfort of my bed so i forced myself to rise and with my hair still messed up i went out and saw that they were hanging the fucking helicopter rotor on the wall... and hugo was nowhere to be found.
i went out, screamed for hugo, couldnt find him and laughed so hard when i saw him guarding this ugly hairy dog as if it were a high priced trophy... so there! hugo is not a virgin anymore...
and instead of being with mabeth today which could have been fun, i am here at kampyuter, cus when potpot came over for her shift she had the longest face and the smallest left eye i've ever seen! her pus infested eye is so ugly she doesn't wanna work... its so funny! oh well oh well... i got chicken nuggets from her anyway so its okay, even if i had to rush home to take a fucking crap!

start

never really thought of starting up a blog... i have not really written for long. merely papers after papers to be passed to my professor every week. u should read my weekly hospital duty report... in my desperation, i have started what seemed to be a weekly journal that my hospital dentistry professor has to endure every week. lamentations and adjective infested recapitulations of what transpired throughout the day...
i guess i really am desperate now... hence the urge to start all this... keep reading... or stop. i dont realy care!