STOLEN

STOLEN

sometimes my heart pounds vigorously...

like drumrolls, courageous.

sometimes my skin feel cold as ice...

lifeless, entirely.

sometimes the world seem to spin

360 all over me

faces unknown...

spaces unseen...

grip my life...

take my dream.

this is mine.

all that i can do.

frustrating!!!

USELESS NOW

i have been led on big time!!!

i thought i could enrol, until pola picked up their thesis and was told that "no, you cant yet!!!" its so freaking annoying!!! I feel now that everyday i just write miserable things here... so ur probably gonna say... this is a very sad girl... anyway, i have a bigger frustration than that...

****

last night i was texting with jp (jp garcia---yes son of that garcia guy who alledgedly stole from the AFP) and he was telling me to get a hold of a copy of PHILIPPINE STAR cus there's this very "piss-taking" article on them that's based on tito efren's (efren abu=chief of staff) statement of AFP's willingness to turnover the GARCIA's...

i dont have a reaction to that... im friends with the Garcia's before this happened and that's not the reaosn i brought this up... So anyway, at that point JP asked me if i was still in touch with Dianne and i told him that we sort of drifted apart...

I've long wanted to talk about this but i've kept myself from making it an issue until recently when Dianne had a "birthday party" and did not invite me but had the audacity to seek my sisters help with her "red-wine-soaked-phone-cus-i-had-such-a-great-time-at-my-party"...

As I see it, she only needed me when she was totally out of it, but once she'd gotten a good grasp of her world she was more than willing to let go... Maybe I was too boring compared to her drug addict friends... i dunno... Its just amazing how I used to see her as my soul mate but now her spirit has left me forever...

Today she rang me and I think I was willing to give her another chance, but apparently she just took time out of her busy schedule to ask me what benefits she could get from working for PAL (since my mom used to be with PAL--hence our tickets) and after I told her goodluck with her application she tells me: "Oh okay, Goodluck also with your Dentistry SHIT"

Haahahahahaha!!! My what???

kampyuter

THEN CAME DARKNESS

at kampyuter (my mom's internet cafe') cus just moments from the cue of the meteor garden intro song, all lights went dead... black out!!! so were here now, cus its so boring at home... and its not really fun to just play with hugo and gudoy!!!

things i can never do

I'M PHAT

i realized life when u are almost a quarter of a century old becomes more than complicated... everything seems to be an elusive dream.

****

i cannot not, after maximum efforts, seem to lose weight anymore. i have tried bangkok pills, it turned me into skeletor and then poofed me into a plump tomato before i could even react. i tried this miracle drug that worked on sarah and len thats cheaper than bangkok pills, and that just gave me nightmares... and dont talk to me about carbo-diet cus ive tried that too, but can u eat "itlog na pula and daing" wihtout rice? there are things you just cant do without.

****

i remember how skinny i was when i was younger and then i look at my tummy and just wanna puke at my flabs!!!!

oh well, maybe ill find enough discipline to work on the abswing... its getting more cobwebs than swings from us lately...

i can't clean???

CLEANING???

so i can't do house work... should i be condemned for it?

there are many things im good at... many things im brilliant with... (writing, clinic, school work, editing films, organizing events... often times i can sing and dance t00-- which is a big bonus, i know) but cleaning the house is just something thats too painful for me to even fathom... and "making talop indian mangoes" as well as cooking ordindary food (cooking that does not involve pasta or chicken) are among the things that make my arector pili muscles sensitized to a maximum level and produce goosebumps all over my body...

first of all... i am not physically able!
just a few minutes of engaging myself in "dust-catching" activities my whole body starts to get really itchy, then rashes come out and then my eyes get watery and then of course i begin to rub it and so they get really irritated and totally unslightly! the extreme of this hapless cycle is the constriction of my bronchioles that lead to a mild asthmatic attack...

i know what ur saying... but no! that was not a ploy to make things seem grave... i do get sick when i hang around too long with dust particles!!!

second... i just cant be bothered enough! i believe there are more trivial matters that i need to attend to than to spend moments scrubbing surfaces and sweeping floors... when i start my life alone, it wont be totally alone... i am studying hard to be able to afford to pay someone to do all these things for me...

so people... i know i disappoint you greatly... but this is me...
so dont fucking piss me off just cus you can spend hours obsessing about your ability to make things spic and span...
frankly? it dont impress me much!

NOTE: villain is not my mom however, freakish she is sometimes about me being messy!

yes there's light at the end of the tunnel

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

i can enroll now...
actually, i was told to come back for it on wednesday... but i wanted to be my usual stubborn self and so i asked ycka to collect it for me, whilst i enjoy lunch with bon at robinson's place (i figured... i am a good leader as long as there's people to order around. i can do anything... i can finish a task, provided i have soldiers to carry my every command)

back to ycka, however, i asked her to collect thesis number 662 for me and around 2:25 i got a call from her... the thesis had been checked.... there seems to be no problem with it, and their approval letter shall follow this june... at that, Dr. Lim said we're cleared to enrol and so hell yeah we are set to enrol then!!!

im so happy... today is a happy day...

thesis

THESIS SHIT!

barely 3 weeks before school starts and i have not even enrolled yet. papa's check has been lying lifeless on my desk for a month now since i first attempted to enrol. initially, i was in shock alert when i was told that we were put on hold due to "council" insufficiencies so off i ran with dr. bean in an attempt to placate furious teachers' raging emotions.... hahahahaha! but anyway, we got that settled on the day and so i thought all was well until Bon told me that we were put on hold due to thesis.

i think my jaw dropped at that cus we have been to martinez a dozen times last semester and she has been consistently stubborn with reading it... it's like we slave around with it for a noght, we give it to her... she tells us to get back to her after a certain time and when we do she tells sus she hasn't even touched it yet... the heck was that?

now they're complaining about our inability to submit... when really we coud've been long finished if martinez only made more effort right?

at this moment our thesis is on its second editing in the english department... and i am praying, really praying to God that when i come back for it this week it has the approval for printing cus its May 23 and I have not enrolled yet...

why haven't i written?

I HATE HIM!

i haven't written for ages...you probably think that i've been kidnapped or some catastrophe has come my way... but no. although, i did get into some mess with JUN (i refuse to call him manong jun now). Bon must be right when he said that JUN's gay... cus i can't imagine a straight guy to give a damn so much...

there was this night last week when i wasn't really very sad but tears just kept flowing down my cheeks and of course it got me into thinking... (but let me remind you, i wasn't really lonely to begin with, i was actually fantasizing about other things---hahahaha, then my lacrimal ducts started oversecreting tears and so the sacs burst)

so back to my thinking... i realized my life has not changed much in years... minus the ocassional emergence i am, most of the time, deep down into the pits. my mom and i will forever fight about everything... JUN will eternally bring me doom... i will forever be a shadow and even if I graduate and decide to leave... their ghosts will haunt me...

at this point, i had stood up and i as dabbed the fresh hanky onto my face i realized, i could end all this... stop the tears.... stop the pain... end my grief... i could end my life...

it wasn't the first time... i think i've imagined suicide many times but always with a smile.

i can't kill myself you see... cus i know that if i did then id be in hell soon and that's even worse compared to seeing JUN BASA's face every morning... but then, what if suicide wasn't wrong? what if i could just take my life and end all this?

or disappear? or anything else equivalent to ceasing existence here... right now...

i know if there was another option... i would've taken it...

long time ago...